Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You Characters

Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You Character List

Sister Mary Ignatius

Sister Mary is not just a nun, but an elementary school teacher. As a nun, she is dogmatic and puts Catholic doctrine ahead of verifiable truths. The problem is that she also does this as a teacher. So attuned to the tyrannically repressive nature of the system of Catholic parochial schools is Sister Mary that she even has the perfect answer to the question of whether God answers all prayers: yes, but usually the answer is no. This certitude only come into conflict following a Christmas play performed by four past students. The play is clearly autobiographical in nature and reveals that Sister Mary’s self-confidence in both her role as nun and teacher has been sorely misplaced. The students have not only forsaken pretty much every lesson Sister Mary tried to drill into them, they have gone on to commit some fairly important sins in the eye of the Church. Accusations of being downright mad turns the Christmas celebration into a holiday massacre.


Thomas is a 7-year-old second grader currently occupies the position of Sister Mary’s student assistant. She has drilled into him the inescapable validity of reciting catechism as a way of getting at the core of the conflict that exists between good and evil. She has also made sure that seven years old is certainly not too young to be invested with the ability recognize good and evil and the ability to choose properly between sinning and not sinning. The catechism recitation actually proves useful when the bloodbath comes.

Diane Symonds

Diane is one of the students from Sister Mary’s class of ’59 who returns for the Christmas pageant. Diane’s story is not one of good cheer: her mother died and she was raped within 24 hours. A few months later she had the first of her two abortions; the second also resulting from a rape. The Christmas play was designed by Diane with the express purpose of a revelation to Sister Mary that her religious instruction was empty and false.

Gary Sullavan

Gary is another student of ’59 helping Diane to exact a little told you so all over Sister Mary’s…Ignatius. As a homosexual, he is naturally anathema to everything that Sister Mary tried to teach and everything she believes. Even more bad news awaits the nun: Gary is also a rape victim and the rape occurred while attending seminary.

Philomena Rostovitch

In the Christmas pageant being put on for the benefit of Sister Mary, Philomena is one-half of a camel. She has a toddler and no husband and a story of Sister Mary beating her for the sin of being stupid.

Aloysius Benheim

The other half of Misty the camel has lately taken to giving his wife a beating whenever routine everyday indulgence in alcohol becomes an overindulgence to the extreme. His primary beef with the Sister may not necessarily stand up in a court, however: are his bladder control problems really related to Sister Mary’s bizarre punishment of not allowing him to void himself in the bathroom or might it be related to his robust consumption of alcohol.

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