I Am No Ant
Mami pulls Xiomara up by her hair, and she feels like something breaks within her.
Diplomas
Mami tells Xiomara she cannot believe she came to this country so her daughter could open her legs for some boy and throw away her future.
Cuero
Mami calls Xiomara “cuero.” Xiomara thinks about what a cuero is: a girl who knows she is hot. Who is a regular girl. Who is plain. Who is spectacular. Who wears makeup or wears none. She is a cuero and she does not care. A cuero is a skin, a loose covering, fluttering in the wind.
Mami Says,
…Men are dirty and foul and will mop the floor with women. Repetition
Mami prays and prays while Xiomara kneels on the rice grains. The whole house sees this steep price she pays.
Things You Think While You’re Kneeling on Rice That Have Nothing to Do with Repentance:
She thinks of how her father could peel an orange with a blade and not once remove it from the fruit.
Another Thing You Think While You’re Kneeling on Rice That Has Nothing to Do with Repentance:
Mami has never had soft hands, but as a child Xiomara did not mind. She was proud of her mother’s hard work and liked being the “golden trophy of her life” (211); now she doesn't know when she got too big for the pedestal.
The Last Thing You Think While You're Kneeling on Rice That Has Nothing to Do with Repentance:
She is glad she is wearing jeans. The rice will leave indents. Her father and brother say nothing. She is in terrible pain. She can say nothing. Kissing should never hurt this much.
Leaving
Twin brings her a bag of frozen vegetables. To comfort her, he says Mami is growing old and did not make her kneel that long. Then he says that they just have to make it until college and they can leave. Xiomara is surprised, as she has never heard him talk like this.
What Do You Need From Me?
Caridad texts her this and Xiomara knows Twin told her. She is not mad, as she can see they are worried about her. She curls into a ball and weeps.
Consequences
No cell phone, lunch money, afternoons off, texting, boys, freedom, getting out of confession with Father Sean.
Late That Night
Xiomara wishes she could talk to Aman but even though Twin offers to let her use his phone, she knows she cannot say the truth—that she cannot be with Aman, but she’d take the beating again.
In Front of My Locker
The next day at school Xiomara is so out of it she doesn’t even notice the guys circling her until one of them grabs her bottom. He laughs and says “oops” and other kids whisper. She cannot fight today, as “everything inside me feels beaten” (218), but her hopes rise when she sees Aman. She thinks he will do something but he does not. He just stands there; she realizes he will not throw a punch or do anything at all. No one will take care of her but herself. She looks the guy dead in the eye and threatens him, then walks past Aman and tells him “thanks for nothing.”
Part III
Silent World
Xiomara blocks out everything and everyone—teachers, Caridad, Twin, Father Sean. She ignores Aman when he tries to talk to her. Her ears are blocked and she speaks to no one.
Heavy
Xiomara approaches Father Sean after mass and asks if she can meet him for confession. He suggests the rectory. She does not know how much truth she will reveal.
My Confession
She wishes she could tell her parents it is not that big of a deal—she is not pregnant, she does not have an STD. She simply kissed a boy.
She does not know what to say to Father Sean. He sits across from her and tells her whenever she is ready she can talk; he assumes she does not need anonymity and this is more comfortable. She cannot look him in the face but she says she committed lust and disobeyed her parents even though they never actually said she could not kiss a boy.
He pauses and asks if she is really sorry. She shakes her head and says no. She is only sorry she was caught and has to be here and pretend she cares about confirmation at all.
Father Sean Says,
God is a forgiving God and understands our weaknesses, but only grants forgiveness when a person is actually remorseful. He tells her he thinks this goes beyond what happened on the train.
Prayers
Father Sean tells Mami clearly and compassionately that Xiomara is not ready to be confirmed because she has some questions she should answer first. He says he came to this conclusion not because of what Xiomara confessed but the questions he knows she has pondered. He says she should keep coming to classes but not do the confirmation this year. Mami’s face scrunches in anger and he tells her to be calm and remember anger is as much a sin as any Xiomara committed. After all, he adds, we all need time to come to terms with certain things.
How I Can Tell
Mami’s anger shows through when she speaks Spanish faster than normal. She tells Xiomara she will have to fix herself and things are going to change.
Before We Walk in the House
Mami tells her that she was on the way to the convent to be God’s bride when she married Xiomara’s father, and it must have been a punishment that God allowed her America but shackled her to a womanizer. He punished her by withholding children for so long, but she never left her husband. The child sins like the parent, she says, and clearly Xiomara chooses sin over the sacred.
My Heart is a Hand
…That tightens into a fist.
A Poem Mami Will Never Read
The poem is in Spanish; see next chapter.
In Translation
Her mouth cannot write a white flash and will never be a bible verse, and it seems like everything is her mouth’s fault. But what about Mami’s mouth, with lips of staples that pierce her? Xiomara’s words are better left on her tongue.
Heartbreak
Xiomara never meant to hurt anyone. She has to pretend not to see Aman, pretend not to see her parents at home. She pretends she is fine; she ought to be an actress.
Reminders
She is doing homework while Twin watches anime on YouTube, his headphones out so his sister can hear. He looks at her and asks if she is okay. She buries her head in her pillow.
Writing
All the next day Xiomara writes in her journal and refuses to stop. Ms. Galiano sends her to the guidance counselor but Xiomara refuses to talk until the counselor says she will call home, so Xiomara lies about cramps and stress.
The journal is the only way she can handle things right now. Even Twin has stopped speaking to her as if any word he utters will “cause my facade to crack” (237). She hears Mami talking about sending her to the DR in the summer as the ultimate solution to “fix” her.
What I’d Like To Tell Aman When He Sends Another Apology Message:
You were a “failed rebellion” (238) and meant nothing. Well, she corrects herself, he was everything, but she can’t have him without entering a fight she cannot win.
Favors
The night before Thanksgiving Twin brings Xiomara an apple and a soft smile and says she has not been eating much. She concedes that is a bit true but says she is not hungry. She can tell he is worried. He asks her if she will write a poem about love, about being thankful a person is in your life.
Anger begins to fill Xiomara. She shoves the plate back and asks if he wants her to write a love poem for White Boy. Confused, Twin stares at her for a moment. Finally he says the boy’s name is Cody, and the poem was actually for her since he thought “it would be cathartic / to write something beautiful for yourself” (240).
Pulled Back
Xiomara is helping Mami with a meal when Caridad calls. She screeches into the phone about Xiomara not ignoring her, and instead of growing angry, Xiomara tears up because it is so normal of Caridad to not take her crap. Xiomara murmurs an apology and tells her she has to go, but Caridad knows she is saying thank you.
On Thanksgiving
Twin and Xiomara join Mami at church and help serve meals to homeless people. She says nothing all day; the only thing she is thankful for is Mami’s silence.
Haiku: The Best Part About Thanksgiving Was When Mami:
…Returned her cell phone, but she has no one to text.
Rough Draft of Assignment 4—When was the last time you felt free?
Xiomara and Twin were five or six and Mami was gone and Papi was watching a movie so they dressed up like ninjas and jumped around and laughed. She saw Mami in the doorway and leapt toward her, believing she’d be caught. She does not remember if she was, but she must have been, or wouldn’t she remember falling?
Rough Draft of Assignment 4—When was the last time you felt free?
It was when she was happily sharing a poem with Aman.
Rough Draft of Assignment 4—When was the last time you felt free?
A stoop is a place of freedom and a place where people do not really bother you and you can watch the world go by without it watching you. It is a place to sit with a boy you like and be free and reckless.
Final Draft of Assignment 4 (What I Actually Turn In)
She writes that freedom is a complicated word, and she has never been detained like Nelson Mandela. Freedom is a big word—maybe too big.
Gone
Now Xiomara hates lunch as well, because a lot of boys stop by their table and talk to the girls and try to look at her notebook or sit next to them. Sometimes the teacher on duty notices, but it only helps if it is a teacher who cares about the quiet girls in the corner.
Zeros
When Xiomara gets her assignment back she expects a zero, but Ms. Galiano has left her a note asking to talk. Xiomara does not have anything to say to her or anyone else.
Possibilities
As the other students file out, Ms. Galiano tells her she has noticed she is quieter than normal and is not submitting assignments. Xiomara says nothing, because what happens in her house stays in her house. She shrugs. Ms. Galiano asks her about the poetry club and says her writing is so good; she does not have to say anything but can just come and listen.
Before she blurts out that she can’t, she realizes Father Sean is not expecting her at confirmation class but Mami is, so she can go. Also, she knows she is ready to let some of the things inside her burst out. She tells Ms. Galiano she will redo the assignment and come to the club tomorrow.
Can’t Tell Me Nothing
She cannot remember the last time she has felt so excited for something. It must have been related to Aman. They have new lab partners now and sometimes she catches him looking at her. It hurts, but there’s no point in fixing anything. It is better that they ended, for what can she give him except sneaking around and lying?
Inside Ms. Galiano’s room is one other girl; she is mixed-race and wearing a tutu and pink Jordans. The girl asks frankly if Xiomara is the “big-body freshman / all the boys are always talking about?” (255). Xiomara almost laughs and says she is a sophomore. The girl smiles and says that it’s dope she’s a poet, and her own name is Isabelle.
First Poetry Club Meeting
Xiomara actually likes how straight-up Isabelle is, and how the club is a nice small group of people. There is Isabelle, Ms. Galiano, Chris (the kid who came to her class once and read a poem), and Stephen, a quiet kid. Ms. Galiano asks them all to read a poem to introduce themselves to Xiomara. Stephen’s poem is full of imagery and color. Chris is loud and fast. Isabelle’s sounds like she is a rapper. Xiomara marvels at how writing can bring such different people together.
Nerves
She is nervous and it does not feel like the poem is done yet; furthermore, she has never imagined an author for her work. The room is quiet. Isabelle tells her she’s got this. The rest of them agree. She grips her notebook and begins.
When I’m Done
Isabelle snaps, Ms. Galiano smiles, Chris offers a comment. Xiomara feels amazing; she could get addicted to the sense that her “little words / feel important” (259).
Compliments
Ms. Galiano offers her a sincere compliment on her work and it might be the first time an adult has really heard her. She wishes she could stay and talk, but she has to leave for the church before Mami arrives.
Caridad is Standing Outside the Church
Caridad tells her Mami is there but she said Xiomara was using the bathroom. Xiomara is apologetic, knowing her friend does not like to lie. Caridad asks if it is the boy, and Xiomara teases her by saying it was two boys and a girl. She then explains it was a poetry meeting. Caridad tells her she heard of an open mic night on Friday and asks if she wants to go. Xiomara sighs and says Mami will not let her, but Caridad says if it is with her and Twin, she will.
Hope is a Thing with Wings
It flies into her “body’s corners” (261).
Here
Mami still huffs at her, Aman leaves her alone, and Twin is sadder every day, but in Ms. Galiano’s class Xiomara feels comfortable and speaks up since she knows her words are okay.
Haikus
She skips lunch and writes haikus while hiding in the bathroom stall.
Offering
As she rushes out of the bathroom, Isabelle sees her and calls out that she better not be eating in the bathroom. Xiomara wishes she could tell her that just because she saw her at poetry club does not mean they are friends, but Isabelle stops her and says she goes into the photography room at lunch to eat and work on her writing, and Xiomara should come by if she wishes.
Holding Twin
When Xiomara arrives home she is shocked to hear Twin sobbing. She sits next to him and rubs his curly hair. She asks if it is Cody, and if he was the one who hit him before. Twin looks at her like she is crazy and says Cody did not hit him and it was a black eye from the gym—this is much worse.
Analysis
In this section Xiomara descends into a depression characterized by withdrawal and silence as a result of her mother’s cruel punishment for discovering Xiomara was kissing a boy on the subway. It is hard to justify anything Mami does in this disturbing encounter—making Xiomara kneel on grains of rice as a form of flagellation, calling her a slut, wielding prayer and the Bible as weapons to shame her, and uttering retrograde nonsense about how men are essentially full of sin and it’s the woman’s job to resist them instead of trying to correct men’s behavior. This entire scene is permeated with hypocrisy, as Mami is putatively a Christian and yet she cannot see how she is sinning by treating her daughter monstrously.
It is no wonder Xiomara retreats into herself, especially after Aman does not say anything to help her at school the next day when another boy assaults her. She comes to the devastating realization that “no one will ever take care of me but me” (219). She saw how her father and Twin did nothing when Mami was punishing her, and knows that because they are men they’d never be punished like that in the first place.
Acevedo has Xiomara use vivid personification and imagery to account for her isolation. Xiomara says “the world I’ve lived in / wears masking tape / over its mouth” (223), “I wear invisible / Beats headphones / that muffle sound” (223), and “I pretend my ears are cotton filled” (223). She writes a poem Mami will never read in which she uses her mouth metonymically, saying “My mouth cannot write you a white flag, / it will never be a Bible verse. / My mouth cannot be shaped into the apology / you say both you and God deserve” (234). She then associates her mother with darkness—“Your silence furnishes a dark house”—and admits that “even at the risk of burning, / the moth always seeks the light” (234). She might not be ready to do so yet, but she will move back towards the light.
That light is poetry, of course, and now it is also the poetry club, Ms. Galiano’s support, and new friends. Xiomara realizes she can actually go to the club now that Father Sean does not expect her at confirmation class but Mami thinks she is there. At first she does not know what to think, especially about Isabella, but her heart is open to this and she decides she likes Isabelle. She doesn’t “want to get excited, / because who knows if I’ll even come back, / but it seems like Ms. Galiano’s small stack of posters / called a cute little mix of people” (257).
It is in poetry club for the first time that Xiomara discovers how remarkable it feels to share one’s art with others, especially those who appreciate the medium (she did read for Aman, but this is a very different experience). After she reads, she marvels that “My little words / feel important, for just a moment. / This is a feeling I could get addicted to” (259). This translates into Xiomara feeling comfortable in English class, where she “actually [raises] my hand” and answers a question “Because at least here with her, / I know my words are okay” (264). All of these small steps contribute to Xiomara being ready (mostly; Caridad gives her the final nudge) to perform before the club in the next section. She is not totally healed yet, but she is on her way.
