Rejection and Projection
Chan writes a great deal in her poems about her relationship with her mom. Above all, she emphasizes the despair she often felt with her mom when they talked about her -- Chan's -- identity. Her mother rejects Chan's queerness. In "The Window" this inspires a nearly suicidal despair in the daughter, who desperately longs for her mother's approval. Neither can she accept the rejection nor reject her own identity. Chan writes "what my mother (a poet) might say" as a sort of homage to her mother, identifying the self-rejection which she projects onto her daughter. The tone of this piece is not judgmental or angry. In an act of empathy, Chan writes with a sense of reverence for her mother's experience and strength and wisdom, all the while offering a possible reason for her mother's consistent rejection of her; her mom rejects herself.
Embracing One's Own Identity
Chan's identity is often on the forefront of her mind, defining experiences. Because her queerness is rejected at home, she struggles to embrace herself in the intimacy of her own mind. Chan never appears to question her queerness or to despise it; rather she longs to fully embrace it, free of shame or doubt. In "Flèche" she recounts how fencing opened a door to innate mannerisms, allowing Chan to more fully embrace her identity. Fencing served as an outlet which unlocked feelings and behaviors which she had always felt but didn't previously understand.
Despair
Poems like "Window" reveal the dark struggles of Chan's mind. She despairs sometimes, but once she remembers threatening suicide. Under mother's rage and rejection, she fears the future. Chan never considers locking her identity away inside, and she doesn't express any sense of burden from her queerness. she longs for acceptance, and her mom's rejection is what pushes her into despair because Chan understands that she cannot change who she is. Similarly, "Names" eludes to the internal desperation which creeps into and erodes Chan's romantic relationships. They are so difficult to maintain because they cost a lot in Chan's relationship to her mother whom she loves. She expresses a need for her romances to last.
