The main protagonist is Xan Meo, a well-known actor and writer, who is the son of Mick Meo, a violent London gangster who had died in prison years previously. Xan is severely beaten, apparently for mentioning the name of Joseph Andrews, one of his father's gangland rivals, in a book. Brain damage from the beating affects Xan's personality, and he becomes increasingly estranged from his wife, Russia (an academic who studies the families of tyrants), and two young daughters. Andrews is also conspiring with Cora Susan, who wants to take revenge on Xan because Mick Meo had crippled her father (who was sexually abusing Cora).
Using the pseudonym of Karla White, a porn actress, Cora contacts Xan (her uncle) and tries to seduce him, with the intention of wrecking his marriage, but fails. Xan confronts Andrews, who is also living in California, and learns that Andrews is his biological father. Xan confesses this to Cora, who reveals her own identity and confesses that Xan's refusal to have sex with her, coupled with the fact that he is not really Mick Meo's son, has undermined her plans for revenge against the Meo family.
Henry IX is the reigning monarch in this book. His 15-year-old daughter, Victoria, is about to become involved in a scandal when a videotape of her in the nude is released to the press. It transpires that Joseph Andrews has conspired with Henry's mistress, He Zhizhen, to obtain the tape and blackmail the authorities into allowing him to return to Britain without being arrested. Andrews returns, still intending to use his henchman, Simon Finger, to intimidate Xan by assaulting Russia Meo. The king and princess decide to abdicate, effectively abolishing the monarchy.
Clint Smoker, a senior reporter with a downmarket tabloid newspaper, is writing a series of articles of Ainsley Car, a maverick footballer with a history of assaults upon women. Despite his macho image, Clint is sexually dysfunctional, and responds hopefully to a series of flirtatious text messages from someone named "k8". Upon discovering that "k8" is a transsexual, Clint, who has talked with 'Karla White' in California, becomes enraged and drives to confront Andrews (whom Clint appears to blame for his ill-fated meeting with "k8"). Clint kills both Simon Finger and Andrews, but is blinded in his struggle with the latter.
Throughout the novel, reference is made to the arrival of a comet, which is to pass dangerously close to Earth. An airliner experiences a number of problems on its journey to New York from London, and is obliged to make an emergency landing at the moment the comet arrives.
