“A reminder to remember: just because the sharpness of the sadness has faded does not mean that it was not, once, terrible. It means only that time and space, creatures of infinite girth and tenderness, have stepped between the two of you, and they are keeping you safe as they were once unable to.”
This quote from In the Dream House reflects Carmen Maria Machado's musings on the passage of time and its effects on pain and memory, especially in the context of her abusive relationship.
The quote underscores the reality that, while the intensity of the pain can dull over time, it doesn't invalidate the severity of the experiences or emotions felt during the abusive relationship. Machado acknowledges the past torment, even as she moves forward.
The idea of time and space being described as "creatures of infinite girth and tenderness" is significant. These abstract concepts are personified and credited with the healing process. In the immediate aftermath of the abuse, they could not protect Machado, but with time, they have provided a buffer, a safe distance from the direct impact of the trauma.
Furthermore, this quote can be seen as a meditation on the memoir writing process. Through narrating her past, Machado revisits a time of profound pain but from a safer distance. This helps her to process the trauma, validate her experiences, and reclaim her narrative, underlining the therapeutic value of storytelling.
“We deserve to have our wrongdoing represented as much as our heroism, because when we refuse wrongdoing as a possibility for a group of people, we refuse their humanity.”
This quote from In the Dream House speaks directly to Carmen Maria Machado's exploration of abuse in queer relationships and its overlooked nature in literature and broader societal narratives. The quote addresses the denial of wrongdoing or ill-intention within a certain group—in this case, the queer community.
By stating, "We deserve to have our wrongdoing represented as much as our heroism," Machado underscores the importance of acknowledging all aspects of human nature, including our flaws and the harmful things we can do to others. She argues that denying the capacity for harmful actions within a group effectively denies that group's full humanity.
Machado also critiques the dangerous idealization and stereotyping of minority communities, which can lead to a lack of representation and understanding of complex issues such as domestic abuse within these communities. This quote, therefore, emphasizes the need to represent the full spectrum of human behavior and experiences, regardless of identity or community, to truly understand and address the complexity of such issues.
“Love cannot be won or lost; a relationship doesn't have a scoring system. We are partners, paired against the world. We cannot succeed if we are at odds with each other.”
This quote from In the Dream House provides insight into Carmen Maria Machado's perspective on the nature of a healthy relationship, and it serves as a poignant contrast to the abusive relationship she describes in the memoir.
"Love cannot be won or lost; a relationship doesn't have a scoring system." With these words, Machado underscores that love isn't a competitive game; it's not about winning or losing or gaining points through control or manipulation. This is particularly significant given her experiences with her abusive partner, which were marked by control, manipulation, and a significant power imbalance.
"We are partners, paired against the world. We cannot succeed if we are at odds with each other." Here, Machado frames a relationship as a partnership, a mutual understanding and support system against the world's challenges. This contrasts sharply with the experience of being "at odds" with her partner in an abusive dynamic.
By defining what a loving, equal partnership should look like, Machado highlights the disparities in her abusive relationship, further illuminating the damaging dynamics of that "dream house." At the same time, this quote could signify Machado's growth and understanding that has come from surviving and processing her past abusive relationship.
