i tried understanding and looking for an anwser but i still don't know, help
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Winston is referring to writing of the diary. The second he begins writing in the diary means the end of his life. That one stroke of the pen was both the beginning of his diary and the end of his existence. Winston knows this. Unlike Julia, Winston anticipates the end for the entire novel. Winston knows he is doomed but a little self-expression is worth it for Winston.